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  • Upper France and the PAF

          Somewhere in the Pacific ocean (no one knows for sure where it is) is an island country called Upper France. This name is one of those strange improbable things most people would like to forget. It has nothing to do with the country in Europe.

          In Upper France, everybody likes apples very much, but apples are very hard to get. The very rich people of Upper France have a problem. They hide thier apples so nobody will get them, and they forget where they (the apples) are. The very rich don't like looking for apples, so they pay other people to do it. These people are called Professional Apple Finders (PAFs). They all belong to the Society of Professional Apple Finders (SPAF).

          There is one important piece of information about PAFs that most people don't talk about and refuse to believe. This is so because the information conflicts with the SPAF advertisements, which cost incredibly large amounts of money. This piece of information is that no PAF has ever found an apple.

          You can hire somebody to come to your house and look for your apple. This person will never find it, but if you find it yourself and show it to him, he will say he found it and send you a large bill (more information about this later). Your PAF may not ever find your apple, but after many years of looking without success, he will decide that you have been hiding your apple in a different place every day so he can't find it, and send you a large bill.

  • Money and SPAF bills in Upper France
          The people of Upper France use snails for money (just the shells, they eat the rest). One snail is written as @1.000 and is worth about $19.98 in american money. When you hire a Professional Apple Finder you agree to pay an initial fee of about @67 to @119. PAFs charge a weekly fee of @74 to @231 for looking for your apple. A successful hunt (which means YOU really found the apple) costs anywhere from @1000 to @3799. You are also required to pay an extended fee (as specified in article 46 section XX subsection 79.4112 of the SPAF workers' union contract) of @130 for each month of apple-looking.

  • What happens later
          Sometimes the very rich people of Upper France are not so rich after all this. If this happens to you, you might try selling your apple (if you found it). This action is illegal under the National Apple Code (NAC). People will often take your apple, but they will not give you any money for it.

          Because you don't have any money (you still have an apple somewhere, but you can't sell that), you will be sent to the State Apple Finding Institute (SAFI), where you are locked up in a very small room and the State Apple Finder (SAF) will try to convince you that you still have your apple and as soon as you remember some money, you can pay the state-approved fee of @5555 and go home and enjoy your apple.

  • Acknowledgment
          The Preceding was produced and distributed by the Upper France Association For Interactive Information Interchange (UFAFIII) and is banned absolutely everywhere. Do not attempt to read, distribute, talk about, discuss, think about, copy, gaze at, display, duplicate, consider, quote, add to, circulate, regenerate, vocalize, utilize, peek at, reproduce, share, recognize, identify, complain about, hope for, hide, or in any way make use of this information. Violators will be placed in a National Anything-but-Apples Correntional Facility (NAACF), where you will be ignored for the rest of your life (unless you commit an apple-related offense first). Have a nice day, relax and enjoy your apple.