This morning, while doing my usual "first day of the month" stuff, I found a book in the back yard. It was titled "Theory and Practice of Dilithium-Mediated Matter-Antimatter Rectors". However, this potentially useful book had blank pages except for a little bit at the end that said "If the pages in this book are blank, this is because of the self-enforcing Temporal Anti-Tampering Act of 3015 (TATA-3015). Note that thiotimoline IS a fictional material.".

There was also an old newspaper article dated "April 1, 2018" and was not blank (possibly used as a bookmark). It described a team of archaeologists led by Dr. Frank Bowman, PhD. breaking into a cave in Egypt. When they broke in several members of the team felt strange for a few seconds. One member (name unknown) reported an extra nipple that stayed there for three seconds before merging info an existing nipple. No one else noticed. Looking into the cane revealed a dead centaur. Oddly, it had died only a few seconds before.

After an autopsy, no one could figure out how the animal could have been alive. One thing they did find was an enzyme that had never been seen before. Someone on the team decided to call it "centaurine". It seemed to have no purpose, although one team member (Susan Groombridge) claimed the molecules were arranged in such a way as to channel a form of energy that doesn't seem to exist.

The animal body and all samples have deteriorated into nothing (and for some unknown reason, no one took any pictures), and all members of this team seem to be in a permanent coma. Now there is no evidence that any of this happened.

I have no explanation for that thiotimoline bit.

Jack Johnson was driving through southwest Texas on I-10. He had a small electronic device a friend gave him, on the dashboard. The device was displaying "uC.000000" at the bottom of the screen. Jack had no idea what that meant, but otherwise the device was a good GPS navigation device.

The device beeped in an unusual way (soft of a beep-gargle-beep) which Jack had never heard before. The display had changed to "uC.464646". Also, the Texas license plates on other cars had some sort of brown, round thing where the shape of the state should be. Jack didn't notice.

Jack was getting hungry, and stopped by a big brown building next to the highway. The building looked like a cheap diner, which was what he wanted.

There is a big sign in front of the building. It has large brown letters forming the words "SHIT HERE". Strange, but Jack was too hungry to worry about that. Inside there were several tables with people sitting around them. There was no food visible, and all the chairs were toilets.

Jack asked several people about food. Some didn't look at him, and walked away. Most of the rest said something nasty and left. Finally one woman told him that he shouldn't use that word in public. What he wanted was called "Tummy Massage" and was available in a little room in back.

He found that room and went inside. There was a row of sinks on one side, with soap dispensers and hand dryers. On the other side of the room there were several small partitioned areas. Each little area had a door lock. Inside was a little table and chair (like a school desk) as well as a vending machine and a trash can.

The machine worked. The food had little flavor but was filling. Someone had left a coin on the floor. It was worth $5 and had a picture of Santa Claus in a sleigh being pulled by a flying pig.

Fed, Jack comes back out to the main room and listens to some people talking. They're preparing to celebrate a special holiday called "Brown Day" where (as they say) Santa Claus travels all over the world, entering everyone's house that one night. He steals a few things and takes a shit. It's magic shit which explains how December 25 is the shittiest day of the year.

The Heaven FAQ:

Q: Does Heaven exist?
A: Yes it does, if you believe it does (yes, that actually makes sense here in our custom-designed reality).

Q: Who goes to Heaven?
A: Anyone and everyone who wants to, with a few exceptions such as those who are excessively violent (like many evangelical Christians).

Q: What is the capacity of Heaven (how many people can it hold)?
A: Heaven is dynamically resized as nescessary, so there is no specific number. However, Heaven is never overcrowded.

Q: What is Heaven?
A: Heaven is an equal-opportunity rest stop for tired travelers. There is no connection with nonsensical beliefs.

Q: What about belief in God and Jesus?
A: That makes it more difficult, but it's still possible. Here is the statistical information on Heaven's current population.

   Total population: 1,564,234,712>
      1,126,248,993 (72%) atheist
        140,781,125 ( 9%) other nonbelievers
         93,854,082 ( 6%) Asian religions
         78,221,735 ( 5%) Jewish
         46,927,042 ( 3%) native American religions
         31,284,695 ( 2%) Muslim
         31,284,693 ( 2%) Christian
         15,682,347 ( 1%) other religions

Q: Why so few religious people?
A: Most (theistic) believers are so busy proselytising and living in fear, that they haven't had time to enjoy life and develop the sense of self that is capable of wanting a place like Heaven, and enjoying it. Also, these people are worshipping a god that promotes violence, making them hateful people. As to the others, we don't know. Maybe they think thier ancestors were so much better than they are.

Q: How long do you stay in Heaven?
A: As long as you want to. No longer. Since anything will become torture is continued too long, it wouldn't be a good place if you were prevented from leaving or actually dying. You have full control.

Q: What about eternity?
A: That word is meaningless. Maybe you mean "a really long time". We don't believe in torture, such as making people stay in Heaven when they no longer want to. There's no brain surgery to "make you happy".

Q: What happens if you don't like Heaven?
A: You don't have to go there. Many people prefer Hell, or actually dying.

Q: What if you go to Heaven, then decide you don't like it?
A: You're free to go whereever you want.

Q: How many Baptists are there in Heaven?
A: I think there's one around here somewhere, although I haven't actually seen this person in more than a millennium.

Q: What about death?
A: It's the real thing. It's available for anyone who wants it, and none who don't.

Q: What about Hell?
A: It's there if you want it (as many believers do, maybe for the loud parties with plenty of drugs), but is always optional. Just like Heaven.
Q: Where's God? In Heaven?
A: Only if you want him there. Otherwise, we make sure he leaves you alone.

Q: Do I have to play the harp?
A: It's always your choice. Many non-musicians (or those preferring other instruments) are in Heaven.

Q: How about praising God?
A: Anyone who cares to do that is welcome to, although we can't see why you'd want to. Why would you praise and worship a being that's never done anything good for you or anyone else?

Q: But didn't he create this wonderful place?
A: Not at all. Heaven isn't what he wanted. He wanted everyone in eternal agony, with no relief in existence. We saved you from all that.

Q: What about your loved ones?
A: If you want them, they're there.

Q: Even loved ones who prefer something else to Heaven?
A: Yes. Of course they're completely free to be elsewhere. Conflicts are resolved in everyone's favor by our unique reality-splitting system.

Q: Is there beer in Heaven? A: Yes if you want it, it's even better than the best beer in the world. If you'd rather not have beer, there won't be any. Q: Do pets go to Heaven?
A: You bring them with you. Pets dying before you are kept in suspended animation so they'll be available. You can have all the pets you want (and none that you don't).

Q: What is your Heavenly body like?
A: You can choose anything you like, even a taco that craps ice cream. You change bodies any time you want to.

Q: How is all this possible?
A: It's something called "simultaneous parallel subjective chronological nonlinearity", but most people would rather not worry about what that is.

note that God was shut up in his own house enjoying a father-son smiting contest, so we interviewed an angel and got the real story.

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Copyleft (c) 2011 A1NN - April 1 News Network
Bringing you our version of the news, some of the time

*** D-day ***

Today may be the beginning of something. I won't say what, but it could be big. I called it D-day for a reason that may have nothing to do with ANYTHING else ever called D-day. That's all I feel like writing now.

This page is one where I may post almost anything I want to. This will be only stuff I created. There may be few (if any) occurrances of the F-word (or similar words). I'm not much of a F-person. The entries are shown in reverse order of date, putting the most recent at the top. If you find anything here offensive, please don't read it.

I see three cats, so I'll write this:

I was living in a big old house on a 2 acre lot. Several
guests were in the house. Someone was playing a radio
loudly. At one point found we needed to turn off all the
electricity. I went to the side of the house, to the
100A Federal Pacific Electric panel and started turning
off breakers. After turning off each one, I listened
for the radio. Sometime it stopped. I turned off all
the breakers. Most of the people were in the big room
(converted from a 2-car garage). Most of the lights in
there were still on. Behind a picture of dogs on the
wall, I found a new 200A Cutler-Hammer panel. I turned
those breakers off too. One lamp was still on.

After awhile, I remembered that a few electrical
things around the house were not connected to either
panel, but went through a disconnect in the hall
closet. I went to the hall closet, which contained a
water heater and furnace that use propane. There was
also an old 60A fused disconnect. Opening the box, I
saw that the fuses had been removed and the wires
held together with electrical tape. It looked
dangerous. I turned it off. The furnace fan quit and
a light went out. It was dark. I was walking back to
the big room when everything ceased to be like that.

I never knew why I needed to turn off all the
electricity. Maybe it was the aliens. I can't say how
I know about that. I just do. Aliens from another
dimension tried to invade earth. The only point at
which they could cross the barrier led to the
interior of the power transformer that served that
house. They were unable to escape into the real world
because no current was flowing, so the went back home.
Perhaps the events involving the old house were
intended to protect us. We'll never know.

The big old house is real, although I don't own it
and don't live there. I haven't lived there for
over 30 years, and have no explanation for the
contradictory memories. The electrical problems,
including that dangerous disconnect, have been fixed
by the current owner.

No cats were harmed in the writing of the above.
A hamburger was.

Below is a link to web page I created. It is titled "ethernet cables", which may lead to certain expectations. Surprise is an important part of life.
ethernet cables